---Conversation with Myself---

IN OUR LAST CONVERSATION I MADE THE POINT THAT YOU AND I ARE OLD. THAT FACT WAS MADE CLEAR AGAIN TODAY WHEN I MET KRISTIAN WHITE WHILE I WAS LOOKING AT THE FLOWERS IN THE BOTANICAL BUILDING IN BALBOA PARK. HE WAS OBVIOUSLY ENJOYING THE FLOWERS AS MUCH AS I WAS. WHAT ATTRACTED MY ATTENTION FIRST WAS HIS HAT. I LIKED THAT HAT AND WISHED I HAD ONE LIKE IT. HE WAS FACING AWAY FROM ME LOOKING AT ORCHIDS. THEN HE TURNED AROUND; AND SEEING HIS BACK SIDE HADN’T PREPARED ME FOR SEEING THE FRONT OF HIM. I THOUGHT IMMEDIATELY ABOUT NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC PHOTOGRAPHS OF TATTOOED MAORIS IN NEW ZEALAND. REMEMBER HOW WE LOVED THOSE MAGAZINES WHEN WE WERE KIDS? STILL DO.

WELL, BEFORE I LOST MY NERVE, I WENT UP TO HIM AND ASKED IF I COULD TAKE HIS PICTURE. I TOLD HIM I’D UNDERSTAND IF HE SAID NO, AND THEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY PHOTO-DU-JOUR PRACTICE. WITH NO HESITATION HE SAID I COULD. I GOT THE PICTURES, AND AFTER A SHORT CONVERSATION IN WHICH WE EXCHANGED EMAIL ADDRESSES, WE WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS.

ALL DAY I COULDN’T GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND.

Lots of people are getting lots of tattoos, and not just girlfriends names or a heart with an arrow through it. And not just sailors who may have had a little too much to drink before coming across a tattoo parlor in Hong Kong.

YEAH, BUT KRISTIAN IS DIFFERENT. IT’S NOT JUST THAT HIS TATTOOS ARE DIFFERENT. HE IS DIFFERENT.

How do you know that? You spend only a few minutes with him. What makes you so certain he’s different from the other people with lots of tattoos?

WELL, FOR ONE THING, HIS DESIGNS WERE VERY THOUGHTFULLY CHOSEN AND VERY WELL DONE. AND ONE OF THE DESIGNS COVERS HALF OF HIS FACE. THIS IS A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO COMMIT, AND HOW TO PUT HIS MONEY WHERE HIS MOUTH IS.

Hey, man. You’ve been married for over fifty years. You stayed with a career in education for nearly fifty years. You know where your children are. You obviously know how to commit.

MAYBE. BUT I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING I’VE EVER DONE THAT COULDN’T BE UNDONE. THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE POSSIBILITY THAT I COULD CHANGE MY MIND EVEN AFTER THE DEED WAS DONE. I COULD HAVE LEFT TEACHING AND SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION ANY TIME I WANTED TO GET OUT. I DIDN’T BECAUSE I LIKED WHAT I WAS DOING. IT’S EASY TO BACK OUT OF MARRIAGE IN SPITE OF THOSE VOWS AND PROMISES. I HAVEN'T BACKED OUT BECAUSE I LOVE MARGARET.

Maybe Kristian got the tattoos without thinking it through, without really facing the fact that he couldn’t erase them. Perhaps he was like so many other people in so many other situations; maybe by the time he thought about it, it was too late... there were so many of them and in places that couldn’t be hidden with clothing.

NO. I DON’T THINK THAT’S HOW IT HAPPENED. EVEN THOUGH WE TALKED FOR ONLY A LITTLE WHILE, I GOT THE IMPRESSION THAT KRISTIAN WHITE IS A THOUGHTFUL, HONORABLE MAN, A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO COMMIT, A MAN WHO DID A LOT OF THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE HE DECIDED WHAT HE WOULD DO.

What about your mustache? You’ve kept that for as long as I remember. Oh, I remember... there was that time during the war when we were in Saigon and you shaved it off. You couldn’t wait to grow it back again. And you haven’t been without it since.

BUT THAT’S DIFFERENT. MY FATHER HAD A MUSTACHE. AND SO DID HIS FATHER...AND HIS FATHER’S FATHER. AND AS YOU SAID, I DID GET RID OF IT FOR THAT FEW MONTHS FORTY YEARS AGO. I COULD GO IN NOW AND SHAVE IT OFF TONIGHT IF I WANTED TO BE RID OF IT. IT’S A VERY DIFFERENT THING. KRISTIAN CAN’T SHAVE OFF THAT TATTOO.

Maybe you like him because he gave you an opportunity for a good picture.

WELL, I DO LIKE THE PICTURE. BUT IT’S MORE THAN THAT. MOST OF US ARE TOO MUCH LIKE SHEEP. WE LOOK TOO MUCH ALIKE. WE’RE COMFORTABLE BLENDING IN. KRISTIAN MADE A DECISION NOT TO BLEND IN, TO LIVE ON THE EDGE IN A WAY THAT CAN DO ABSOLUTELY NO HARM TO ANYONE. I VERY MUCH LIKE THAT.