CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF
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LET’S FACE IT. I’M OLD. I STILL PREFER ‘OLDER” BECAUSE IT SUGGESTS A CONNECTION WITH MY YOUNGER SELF. BUT ‘OLD’ IS WHAT I AM. THIS IS MY SEVENTY-THIRD SUMMER. THREE SCORE AND TEN PLUS THREE.

SO IT WON’T COME AS A SURPRISE TO ANYONE THAT I’VE BEGUN TO TALK TO MYSELF. IT’S EXPECTED... AND NOT JUST BECAUSE SOME OF MY FRIENDS HAVE DIED ALREADY AND ARE NO LONGER AROUND FOR COFFEE AND CONVERSATION.

A LONG TIME AGO WHEN I WAS A MERE FIFTY-SOMETHING, MY JOURNAL FOR ALMOST A YEAR WAS A DIALOGUE. I IMAGINED AND PRETENDED THAT I WAS TWO PERSONS IN ONE BODY, AND I WROTE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN THE TWO. I CAME ACROSS THAT JOURNAL THE OTHER DAY ON A SHELF IN THE GARAGE, AND I DECIDED IT MIGHT BE FUN AGAIN. MAYBE IT’S TIME FOR ME TO RECONNECT... WITH MYSELF... FOR US TO TALK.

ARE YOU THERE?

Yeah, you know I’m here. I’m always here. I’ve always been here. It’s been a long time since we’ve done this in any kind of orderly way. And you’ve turned your journal into a blog and your blog into a public forum. If I remember correctly, twenty years ago when we did this, we talked about things you and I might not like the world to know about us. Isn’t a public conversation risky?

REMEMBER I STARTED THIS CONVERSATION BY REMINDING YOU THAT WE ARE OLD NOW... BOTH OF US. THERE’S NO HIDING THAT FACT... SO WHY HIDE ANYTHING?

I can think of a thousand things that probably should be kept just between you and me... and you know very well what they are.

DON’T GET CARRIED AWAY. OF COURSE, SOME THINGS ABOUT US NOBODY WANTS TO KNOW ANYWAY. BESIDES DISCRETION AND DECEIT AREN’T THE SAME. WE’LL BE DISCRETE.

Can we talk abut things like politics, and can I say out loud what I really think about George Bush; or do we have to stick with books and the weather? What about religion? And sex?

LET’S NOT START WITH RULES... NOT EVEN GUIDELINES.

O.K., then. Let’s start with sex.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT GO THERE.

Well, I remember you had that discussion... no, you had that argument, yesterday with the man outside the country administration building. You started that argument, in fact. He was just standing there minding his own business, watching couples come out of the administration building with their marriage licenses. You saw he was wearing that T-shirt with the angry elephant on it, and he was carrying a little American flag. And he was fisting what looked like a Bible. You asked him, “What’s going on?” You knew very well what was happening. It’s the reason you were there. You went looking to pick a fight.

THAT’S NOT EXACTLY FAIR. THAT DISCUSSION DIDN’T GO ALL THE WAY TO ARGUMENT, MUCH LESS A FIGHT. I RODE THE BIKE DOWN THERE BECAUSE I WAS CURIOUS TO SEE IF THERE MIGHT BE TROUBLE. I THOUGHT I MIGHT GET A GOOD PICTURE. MEN DETERMINED TO MARRY MEN AND WOMEN WANTING TO MARRY WOMEN WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. I HAD SEEN IN THE PAPER THAT A GROUP CALLING THEMSELVES THE SAN DIEGO COUNTY REPUBLICAN WOMEN WERE GOING TO DO SOME SORT OF SIT-IN, A PROTEST; AND THE NEWSPAPER SAID THERE WOULD BE SOME SORT OF RALLY OR STATEMENT BY PEOPLE WHO ARE IN FAVOR OF MARRIAGE BEING EXTENDED TO PEOPLE OF THE SAME SEX. HISTORY WAS BEING MADE. I WANTED TO BE IN ON IT.

Give me a break. You wanted a fight. You set that guy up. You knew.

WELL, I COULDN’T TELL IF HE WAS CONNECTED IN SOME WAY TO THE WOMEN HOLDING THE PRAYER MEETING ON THE EAST STEPS OF THE BUILDING, THE ONES WITH THE BANNER THAT IDENTIFIED THEM AS “THE REPUBLICAN WOMEN OF SAN DIEGO COUNTY.” OR MAYBE HE WAS THERE FOR THE THREE WOMEN WHO WERE HUDDLED TOGETHER SAYING THE ROSARY.

Well, what did you say to the guy?

I SAID, “WHAT DO YOU THINK?

And he said?

HE JUST SHOOK HIS HEAD AND SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BEING THE END OF CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT.

And?

I SAID, “YOU THINK IT’S THAT BAD? DO YOU MEAN THE PUBLIC PRAYER MEETINGS OR SAME SEX MARRIAGE?"

And?

HE FINALLY TURNED TO LOOK AT ME AND AFTER HE STUDIED ME FOR A MINUTE HE SAID, “SEE THE WOMAN IN THE BLUE DRESS, THE ONE OVER THERE BY STEPS? THAT’S MY WIFE. SEE THOSE TWO GUYS WITH THE ROSE BUDS? THEY’RE FAGS WHO JUST GOT MARRIAGE LICENSES, OR MAYBE THEY JUST GOT MARRIED. NOW, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GOING TO CALL EACH OTHER? THAT WOMAN OVER THERE IS MY WIFE. THERE’S A NAME FOR WHAT SHE IS. WHAT WOULD IT BE IF IT WAS A GUY? HUSBAND OR WIFE? NO GUY I’VE EVER MET WOULD WANT TO BE A WIFE, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE TWO HUSBANDS. IT’S BULLSHIT."

Is that what he thought was wrong with it? Words? Is that what it’s about? What did you say?

I TOOK OFF MY SUNGLASSES SO HE COULD SEE MY EYES, AND I SAID I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT LOVE, NOT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE CALL EACH OTHER.

THE GUY STILL DIDN’T SEE WHERE THE CONVERSATION WAS HEADED. HE HELD UP THE BOOK AND SAID, “THE BIBLE SAYS MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN. THE LAW CAN’T CHANGE THAT. THE BIBLE SAYS IT. GOD SAYS IT. THE LAW CAN’T CHANGE THAT.”

Yeah. It may be in the Bible somewhere. He was probably right about what the Bible says. I don’t remember ever seeing that exact language.

ANYWAY, I SAID THAT MAYBE WHOEVER WROTE THE BIBLE GOT IT WRONG. HE LOOKED AT ME AND SHOOK HIS HEAD.

“IT ISN’T WRONG,” HE SAID. “IT CAN’T BE WRONG. IF IT’S IN THE BIBLE IT HAS TO BE TRUE.”

AND I ASKED WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE TRUE. AND HE SAID, “BECAUSE GOD WROTE THE BIBLE."

I SAID THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT. I THOUGHT IT WAS WRITTEN BY SOME PEOPLE A LONG TIME AGO, A BUNCH OF MEN PROBABLY WITHOUT ANY WOMEN DOING ANY OF THE WRITING.

AND THEN I ASKED HIM IF IT WAS THE SAME GOD WHOSE OTHER NAME IS LOVE. HE STOPPED AWHILE AND JUST LOOKED AT ME.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” HE ASKED. “GOD DOESN’T HAVE BUT ONE NAME,” HE SAID. “GOD! GOD! GOD! THAT’S HIS NAME.”

I ASKED IF THAT WAS HIS NAME IN SPANISH AND FRENCH AND RUSSIAN. HE LOOKED AT ME HARD AGAIN AND TURNED AND LOOKED AWAY.

I SAID I REMEMBERED READING THAT JESUS SAID GOD IS LOVE.

What happened then?

WELL, THERE WERE POLICE OFFICERS ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND TWO OF THEM EASED OVER TO WHERE WE WERE STANDING. I GUESS THEY HAD SEEN THE GUY HOLD THE BIBLE IN FRONT OF MY FACE. THEY MUST HAVE NOTICED THAT HE WAS GETTING LOUDER. HONESTLY, I WASN’T SHOUTING.

I’ve heard you argue. I’ll bet your voice got at least a little louder.

WELL, I DID SAY ONE MORE THING. I THOUGHT I WAS JUST SAYING IT WITH FEELING, BUT MAYBE MY VOICE DID COME UP A LITTLE. I TOLD HIM THAT MY SON IS GAY, AND THAT THERE IS NO FINER MAN ON THIS EARTH THAN MY DAVID IS AND THAT I WOULD RECOGNIZE HOW GOOD HE IS EVEN IF HE WERE NOT MY SON. I WANTED TO TELL HIM THAT I WOULDN’T CHANGE ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT MY SON EVEN IF I COULD.

I ADMIT THAT I WANTED TO TELL HIM THAT HE WAS FULL OF SHIT, BUT HONESTLY, I DIDN’T. I SWALLOWED MY INDIGNATION AND RODE AWAY ON MY BICYCLE.

Yeah, right. We’ll talk some more.